Here Are My 9 New Rules for Joyland

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Let's just say if I did buy Joyland Amusement Park, I think I'd need to lay down some rules.

Holy moly, wouldn't it be fun to own your own amusement park? Just think of all the dangerous, yet hilarious things you could do. I'd make a whole bunch of tweaks and new rules to up the "joy" to near-catastrophic levels. Oh, what fun we'll have when we institute my 9 new rules for Joyland.

1. On the Musik Express, instead of yelling 'faster,' you have to chug a beer. Guys with mops will be close by.
2. The train, which usually only allows riders less than 36 inches tall, will now only allow women with D cups or bigger. I will also be installing a lot of bumps under the tracks.
3. The Bumper Cars will be rewired so they can be driven all over the park, and hey, if you get hit, then that's on you.
4. If more than three people want to ride the Tilt-O-Whirl, one has to cling to the back and hope for the best.
5. One car of the Spider will be filled with actual spiders. Really mad, really dizzy spiders.
6. The Dare Devil Drop will be painted pink so that it looks even more like a giant penis in the West Texas skyline.
7. Funnel Cake will be poured into your mouth through an actual funnel. (I'm tired of being disappointed.)
8. The Dragon Wagon will now become the Shaggin' Wagon and will be an adults-only ride.
9. I'm populating the Wild River Log Rides pool with jellyfish so that the damn kids will keep their hands out of it.