Let's be honest, we've all seen some things at our local Dollar General. One time, I saw a 275-pound woman wearing booty shorts while perusing the Valentine's Day candy, and I've needed years of therapy to recover.

However, I can safely say that I've never seen a monkey running loose at Dollar General. But ask, and ye shall receive.

Police in Corrigan, Texas, which is located halfway between Lufkin and some other God-forsaken East Texas dumpster fire, are advising residents to be on the lookout for an adorable 7-month-old Capuchin Monkey who escaped from a local Dollar General earlier this week.

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According to KLTV (an actual television station), the owner of the monkey stopped into the Dollar General to buy water for the monkey, which was secured in a cage. Right... "secured." According to Store Manager Lawrence Jolly: "She came and bought the bottle and said this is for my pet monkey. And so she goes outside, she feeds the monkey. The monkey bit her and took off."

The monkey, a support animal in training, bolted into the woods behind the store, still wearing a white diaper that the owner had given him. Well, of course the monkey bit her and bolted; she made it wear a diaper. I mean, isn't it in a monkey's nature to fling poo on people whenever they can? So, yeah, "If I can't fling poo, I'm gonna bite you!" (I use that same threat at least once a day here at work, BTW.)

Believe it or not, owning a capuchin is not illegal in Texas. In fact, nothing is. Look it up.

In the meantime, local authorities have placed traps with bananas to try and lure the wayward primate, which has so far eluded capture. If I had to guess, I'd assume that the cute little guy has opted for the naturalist life, whipping his diaper off and running for freedom. Much like how I envision retirement.

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