Sex-Crazed Zombie Cicadas Are Real. Is Lubbock Prepared?

In a decade that has already brought us Murder Hornets, Covid-19 and BTS comes another new nightmare that could bring some sleepless nights to the South Plains.

For those who glossed over the headline of this story, let me point it out once more:

SEX. CRAZED. ZOMBIE. CICADAS.

Photo by Shannon Potter on Unsplash

I don't know about you, but there is no way I'm ever sleeping again...

Apparently, during the cicadas' 17 years underground in the Cicada Protection Program, they're infected with a psychedelic fungus called "Massospora cicadina," which is pretty freaking insane, and has chemicals that are similar to hallucinogenic mushrooms.

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Now, this is where is gets weird. The fungus apparently eats away at the genitals of the cicada even though they are blissfully unaware. To make matters worse, once they emerge from the ground, the cicadas actually LOSE their hindquarters, butt and unit, completely, even though they have no idea that it's gone.

On top of that, the fungus causes these little flying eunuchs to engage in what one researcher describes as "hypersexualized behavior," even though they lack the equipment to get the job done. They simply want to "engage" with anything -- just like the Kardashians.

Grossed out yet? But wait -- THERE'S MORE!

via GIPHY

You betcha!

Matt Kasson, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, says that the cicadas become "zombies" in the sense that "...the fungus is in control of their bodies" and the insects have no clue what they are doing. Since they're unable to reproduce, Kasson says that the cicadas spread the fungus through the air by beating their wings rapidly and releasing spores. This phenomenon has given the zombie cicadas a terrifying nickname:

"FLYING SALT SHAKERS OF DEATH"

Once more for those who glossed over that last line...

FLYING

SALT

SHAKERS

DEATH

via GIPHY

So, are we in imminent danger of being exposed to Horny Zombie Cicada Fungus Spores?

Well, even with the recent trend of frying up and eating these little suckers, apparently those who think they might get a quick buzz by chowing down on a Eunuch Zombie Cicada are just setting themselves up for disappointment. The dosage may be enough to affect the cicadas, but not nearly enough to impact humans.

If you're all about following the science, Dr. Fauci has not weighed in on the dangers of Psychedelics Cicada Fungi as of yet, but when he does, it's expected that he will use the possibility of imminent impotent cicada fungus exposure to require masks in all 50 states, including Guam, and close schools until 2034.

Damn cicadas...

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