Top Things Punxsutawney Phil Is Thinking This Morning

It's Groundhog Day. So, because we're lazy and completely out of original ideas,

let's check out the Top Things Punxsutawney Phil Is Thinking This Morning . . .

--It's been a whole year! What'd I miss? How's my BP stock doing?

--Oprah has a half-WHAT?

--If you're looking for a dark, furry little creature who predicts the weather, shouldn't you be watching Al Roker?

--I can predict one thing: Some jerk in a top hat is about to get bit.

--Jonathan Knight is gay? And no one saw that coming?

--If that jagwagon can do it, so can I. They should call me Dr. Punxsutawney Phil.

--Thanks to crystal meth, I see shadows EVERYWHERE.