Let's be honest: criminals usually aren't the most cognitive people on the planet. The phrase "sharp as a beach ball" comes into play more often than not with this crowd.

In this instance, meet a genius who didn't think for a minute that in this day and age, in a major, big-box home improvement store, there just may be a camera watching him jam some power tools down his pants.

Image: Odessa Police Department
Odessa Police Department

On Monday, the Odessa Police Department released surveillance photos of a Pittsburgh Steelers fan (who we shall call "Stealer Fan" -- see what we did there?) who decided to stroll through a Lowe's Home Improvement, strategically using his shorts as a shopping bag.

From the Odessa Police Department website:

On 7-17-21 at approximately 1330 hours, a theft occurred at the Lowe’s Home Improvement located at 4101 East 42nd Street. Investigation revealed that an unknown male subject stole approximately $230 worth of merchandise. Anyone who recognizes the suspects shown in the surveillance photos is encouraged to contact Ofc. B. Thurman at 432-335-3333 or Odessa Crime Stoppers at 432-333-TIPS and reference Case #21-9000328.

I'm just spitballing here, but since this guy takes a pretty good picture, he won't be unidentified for long. Heck, those came out better than the pictures at my first wedding.

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The best part of the surveillance photos is the look this guy has when he's contemplating stuffing a Makita next to his unit. Tell me that he's not waiting for his moment. So, let's head to the crime lab and see if we can't zoom in on "Stealer fan" here.


Image: Odessa Police Department
Image: Odessa Police Department

"I always feel like...somebody's watching meeeeee!"

Yep, you just know he's thinking that no one is watching him, except for all of the freaking VIDEO CAMERAS IN THE STORE!

Heck, I think Lowe's even sells security cameras, so they may have thought to give them a test drive on our Stealer fan here. Either way, this cat is flat busted. Enjoy the Tuesday night meat loaf at the county slam, Bubba.

Now, I do feel bad for the officer who does a cavity search on this guy. They may find a Dremel in his drawers.

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