I just saw this video on Facebook about a shark swimming unnervingly close to a couple of swimmers. So being the animal expert that I am, (I'm not in any way an animal expert), I'm sharing my top tips for stopping a shark attack.
I've been to the ocean before. Both of them actually, the Atlantic AND the Specific. So it's only fair that I, a noted shark professional, share my wisdom about shark attacks with you, the non-shark professional. (Totally NOT a professional anything so don't sue me.)
1. PEE. Sharks have a very highly developed sense of smell. In fact they can smell 1 drop of blood in the water up to a quarter of a mile away. So think of how bad pee must smell to them. I mean like asparagus pee, or coffee pee which are both the absolute worst! Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about because we both know you do. The shark will literally jump out of the water and run across it cartoon style to flee from that smell.
2. CALL IT NAMES. Along with a highly developed sense of smell sharks also have a very highly developed sense of self-worth. Calling them names really hurts their feelings. And even though they are apex predators of the oceans with almost no natural enemies, they have a really hard time dealing with their hurt feelings and will swim away crying. Which is funny cause they're under water and it's like crying is stupid because they're under water and you can't tell if they're really crying or it's just the ocean.
3. BE TATTOOED. Sharks already don't like how people taste because we taste like chicken and sharks have never eaten chicken because chickens don't live in the ocean. If they did they would be chickens of the sea which would make them tuna. If it sounds confusing just ask Jessica Simpson, she can explain anything cause she's like uber-smarty-pants-lady. So when sharks bite people they're all like "what's this flavor that tastes like nothing that lives in the sea?" so they don't like us already. But when you're tattooed it's like that really horrible tasting vitamin c stuff that Jave tried the other day. I mean that crap will make you slap your momma it was so bad. So sharks, who by the way love their mothers dearly, will be all "gross this person tastes like that gross vitamin c crap", and since they would NEVER slap their mommas, they'll let you go and they'll swim away looking for a Long John Silver's or something. Sharks absolutely love the LJS!
4. DON"T GO TO THE BEACH. Like ever. Just don't do it. The beach has crabs. And you'll get sand in cracks you didn't know you had.
5. JUMPER CABLES. Sharks follow electrical signals that they feel in their noses. So anytime you go in the water make sure to pull your car all the way out there with you, start it up, leave it running, and hook up the jumper cables to the battery. That way if a shark comes anywhere near you, just dunk the metal ends in the ocean and watch the fireworks. It's like the ocean explodes. I mean your car probably will explode, but at least that stupid face shark will swim away. And everything will feel tingly for a few days which is kinda cool.
Those are my top 5 tips for stopping a shark attack. Next week: KITTENS! The hidden menace!

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